My husband and I have been married for 17 years. I was only really happy for the first 3 or 4. Since then I have been expressing discontent about certain things. Ranting, raving, pissing and moaning for the last 13! At first it was gentle and loving and I had faith that my husband would respond. After a while it was a bit more stern. Over time my unhappiness has gotten worse and worse. I am very clear about what I am not happy with, that is for sure! Obviously, this way of being has been completely ineffective at making the changes and growth that I so needed to see happen in our marriage. Why would my husband want to make changes when I am constantly telling him what is wrong with everything? I cannot blame him totally. However, I thought he would take the ball and do something with it. Figure out what needed to happen. He definitely dropped the ball when it comes to our marriage. Or maybe he never picked the ball up in the first place. Anyhow, we are both at fault and I accept responsibility for my part in this, too.
As a result, at home there is no love expressed between us. Our marriage is empty.
In addition to our failed marriage, we have two children that have been very challenging to parent. They both display symptoms of trauma and don't respond well to "fear based" parenting like behavior modification techniques and other controlling measures. But they both respond very well to a relationship/love-based way of parenting so we will continue to pursue that route with them.
Adding to the stress is the fact that our children don't get along. My son decided at the age of two, when his sister was born, that he did not want this little package and he has not changes since. So there is constant fighting between the two adding to the lack of peace and love under our roof.
My son has neurosis around food and other people's germs and a very sensitive, finicky palate making feeding him almost impossible. It makes my husband and I crazy. My daughter is rowdy and loud when it is more appropriate to be quiet and chll out. Like car rides home after an active day, or rainy afternoons or bedtime. She is loudest and rowdiest at these times and she can go on for at least a couple of hours with non-stop noise. Not even a slight pause. We are often pushed to the point of overload and to the point of tears. All three of us!
We also have financial stress. If I could just get some help or some breaks, this would be much easier to manage. I don't go anywhere because even a cup of coffee or tea would break the bank let alone try to get away for a day or two! We don't go out or get babysitters. My husband works long hours and my kids aren't responsible in any way, so the burden of "household" affairs is completely up to me. Some people can do it all, but I cannot. Not with the high level of stress I endure. When I am stressed, not much gets done.
So that is the "before" picture. It sounds pretty bad and it is. So far I have had 2 nervous breakdowns where I could not get out of bed for a couple of days. I have run away once only to have walked and walked for hours before I figured out I had no where to go and I just came back home. I am falling apart and I will surely die if this continues. But it will not continue and this is why. (see the next post).
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